Past Tense
by at-a-glance
Summary: The past lies like a nightmare upon the present. Ever tortured Johnny C. recollects his last year in high school. Perhaps it is a sliver of insight as to what made the homicidal maniac.
1. Chapter 1

_Nothing is as new as something which as been long forgotten._

_- german proverb -_

--

"_Nny...You appear troubled. I know you feel. Care to divulge an elaboration on these feelings._"

"No."

A tall, thin man with dark eyes turned his head away a glare set on his face in attempt to cover any vulnerable feelings. He hated a lot of things, but mostly he hated expressing himself through words. Nothing could justify anything, he couldn't for the life of him communicate the thoughts in his head or the emotions that passed over him.

"I don't want to talk about it Meat." He muttered moving toward a corner. At times like this he missed Bunny, some days he could distantly hear Bunny saying something, anything. But it wasn't often and that damned rabbit's head was the only thing he felt okay telling everything to.

"_There's no one else here Johnny. Might as well tell it to me._" The plastic Bub's burger boy smiled its malicious looking grin, a contradiction to his now benevolent state. "_Who else is gonna know?_"

"I'll know. And I hate you as I hate all the voices." Johnny seethed stuffing his hands into his pockets, trying desperately to rein himself in before he lost control. A battle he often lost.

Grinning the figure spoke without making a movement. "_Well if you won't talk to me, what about that girl you love, I'm sure she'll listen. Oh wait, she won't, no one will listen to you. Nobody but me Johnny C. don't you understand? Now what was that girl's name? Devi?_"

"Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!" Nny screamed grabbing at his hair and pulling frenetically. "I don't want to remember, Fuck this shit is all excess! I don't need to remember! Not Devi, not Bunny, not anything I've ever experienced in my life!! Nothing good nothing bad, I don't need memories, I don't want memories! FUCK!"

Reverend Meat stared at him. "_Memories? What do you remember?_"

Nny collapsed into the corner holding his head and hiding his face. "I don't want to. I don't want to remember my past; I've never really wanted to know. Fuck...if I'm this way now why would I ever want to know how I got this way." He whimpered. "Feelings of acceptance and of abandonment...I don't want to relive them."

"_You're remembering yourself. What do you remember?_"

Johnny turned a darkened glare at Meat. "High school."

* * *

At eighteen years old Johnny C was a tall young man with an unhealthy thin frame, he'd always been so unnaturally thin his entire high school year. He was in his senior year and preparing to graduate, unlike most of his peers he didn't know what he wanted.

Johnny was at the most six foot three and was quite intimidating, people stared and often made snide comments that they didn't think he could hear. He always heard them.

"Just a black coffee." The boy requested to the lackadaisical cashier at the coffee shop. The sixteen year old nodded and turned his back to make the coffee, slowly.

"Oh my God Steph stop staring." A perky skinny brunette chided her rather corpulent friend.

"Mmph?" The blond girl continued her entranced gaze, trained solely on the tall thin boy waiting for his coffee, much to her friend's disgust.

"Um ew, you still have a thing for him? Him?! Oh my God Steph intervention time, seriously. Like ugh how can you even like him? Ugh Noodle Boy? He's so..so...freaky!"

"I think he's just different." Steph interjected calmly her gaze never lifting.

"Different? More like crazy! I heard he killed his parents and ate his sister!" The girl shrieked.

"He never had a sister."

"That's because he ate her!" She replied. "God Steph, stop, you're mistreating yourself...he might just be gay too. Like Kevin said so, and you know a quarterback usually knows these things. Besides he's so freakish, probably insane." The brunette stated tossing her long hair over her shoulder.

Steph shook her head. "Brooke you're not being fair. We don't know him...maybe we should give him a chance."

Brooke crinkled her nose and then straightened her short pink skirt out. "No thanks, I'd rather keep all my limbs."

Johnny's anger set in and he turned a malicious grin on the girls, he was aware that the blonde one was staring at him lustfully, but his hatred wasn't aimed at her. The brunette who called herself Brooke let out a squeak. The cashier set the coffee on the counter and Johnny snatched it and dropped the necessary money on the table.

He then briskly made an obvious effort to leave the way by passing their table.

"Brooke huh?" He inquired in a dark voice that served as his daily tone. "Funny I only came here in favor of a little caffeine; I wasn't expecting to be a conversation item." He glanced at Steph and raised an eyebrow, then turned back spitefully at the brunette at hand.

"Brooke is it? Fitting." He announced. "Seeing as you sure as fuck babble like one. Here's a tip sweetheart, you want to keep those pretty limbs then shut your mouth." With that he walked away leaving the small coffee shop and his aggravation in a hurry.

Johnny hated making threats, mostly because he'd never actually hurt anyone in his life, he hated that image. People already thought he was a killer and he knew he only fed the beast by caving under their accusations. Sure he thought about killing these people and in terrible ways, but honestly what high schooler hasn't?

No Johnny didn't care much in the way for executing violence against other people. Although as the years passed, his hope that these people would redeem themselves seemed to slip farther away. But there were two people he knew that were worthy of being called humans and they were friends.

He liked that word in everyway, for a while he didn't understand it, much like he didn't understand family. But Ada and Mike were good friends of his even though he often told them he wasn't sure he was their friend. They'd always reassure him.

They were older than him, Mike was twenty and Ada nineteen, turning twenty in three months. As Johnny approached the Tattoo Pit he began to smile. It was strange how such good things could transpire from the dankest places in the city, the Tattoo Pit was putrid but that was where he met his friends.

Johnny regarded Ada as perfect in nearly every sense of the word, she always disregarded this was a quick 'I'm a horrible person, what are you talking about?' followed with a laugh. He knew she was serious when she told him that, but he couldn't help but continue to think she was perfect.

He enjoyed talking with her, she was intelligent with an intriguing philosophy about just about everything. Johnny entered the shop and saw Aubrey a dark-skinned girl boredly flipping through a magazine, she flashed Jonny a half smile and pointed to the back room.

He continued onward and went through the red curtain and saw Ada hunched over a sketch pad vigorously drawing. "Sit Nny...talk in a minute." She announced without ever looking up.

Nny he loved that nick-name, he didn't know where he came up with it or if he even did. All he knew was when she asked if she could call him John he declined and asked for Nny, which she loved even more.

He watched her, her pale skinny arm darting back and forth leading her thin hand that clutched the pencil. Her messy black and orange hair fell all around her head, she had it cut very short and very choppy, it was interesting when she spiked it. She wore long black boots over her dirty gray jeans and she wore a very tired looking black mid-drift tank top.

She almost always had some sort of gray or black shadow of makeup covering her eyes, mostly to hide the fact that she got such poor sleep and was a very tired and worn person for someone her age. Some days she'd have red lipstick other days she'd pass. Her skin was and had always been very pale, she joked that even if she tried to tan she'd probably just bleach.

"Ada...?"

"One moment Nny, please."

God he loved her voice, it was so different, it was like taking sugar and rubbing it between your fingers, grainy but sweet. He knew he had thoughts about her he shouldn't, they were friends and she was with Mike. But as much as he liked Mike he always felt that pang of jealousy whenever they were in close proximity. It was stinging, some days worse than others.

He knew Mike was working and would be for sometime, that guy never got a break, he needed to though and he was pretty prominent about that fact. He and Ada just barely got by every month so the more they each worked the better. He knew they'd go some days without eating, it was apparent especially in her. She was very thin, in a malnourished way, but then who was he to talk about nutrition and body mass, he wasn't all that healthy looking either.

"Alright what do you think?" She exclaimed holding the sketch book up to reveal an odd drawing.

"Terrifying."

She pouted. "You don't like it?"

"No, no it's not that." He shook his hands. "I mean it's terrifying but that's what you're trying to interpret, right?" She nodded smiling. "I really like it. Where do you come up for things like these?"

"You know as well as I do that you don't really like hearing where some of my inspiration comes from. Besides, you of all people should know that some twisted stuff can come out of the nicest people." She added.

Johnny smiled slightly. "Aw you're not talking about me, are you?"

She laughed. "You know I am, I adore your paintings, and they're so creative. Some of them scare the shit out of me and I love it."

"You should paint that." He suggested pointing to the sketch. "With a little color I'm sure that would really express the tone or even with deeper shades of grays, blacks, and whites."

"Oh Nny, you know I can't paint with anything but needles. That's sort of your thing anyway. I'm gonna put it on display though and see if anyone is brave enough to have it as a tat. Speaking of which you ever gonna get one?"

Nny shook his head and brought his knees up to his chin. "Nah, I admire your work, but I don't think I'd handle a tattoo well." He decided to end that there, not willing to disclose any of his thoughts that were now running rampant around his head.

A bell ringing echoed into the room they were in. "Ada!" Aubrey called.

"Hmm a customer? This early...aw well work is work. I'll see you Nny." She said he got the hint that she was resenting working.

"That's okay, I've got to study." He announced standing upright and grabbing his coffee from the floor.

She paused at the curtain and gave him a look. "Since when do you study?"

He smiled. "Never, but it makes for a good excuse, doesn't it?"

* * *

Yeah first time writing for this fandom, but I'm not at all new to the comic or any other Vasquez's stuff, it's rated M mostly because...damn you little children shouldn't really be reading this shit. And I own nothing this is to fill the void in my pathetic life not for profit blah blah blah. So with that enjoy.


	2. Chapter 2

She slammed the locker hard and glared at him standing on the other side. "What do you want Johnny!" She demanded viciously turning her face to look at him. She was a pretty girl if you got past her disfigured nose, which appeared to have been broken or smashed multiple times and the scars, she had lots of those to spare.

He grimaced as he noticed the "goth" makeup she usually wore couldn't hide the nasty looking black eye she had. He was certain he knew why she had one, the entire school had their suspicions, but no one actually cared. He liked to think he cared but what could you do about child abuse?

"Err...sorry I didn't mean to disturb you I was just-"

"No sorry, shouldn't have snapped, you know? Just stress nothing else. Here," She handed him a paper. "I typed up our report, sorry I had to change a few things, I couldn't read some of your writing, it was all scribbles in some places."

"Uh thanks. Lilly?" He wanted to, needed to find out about her bruises, he felt like she didn't deserve that kind of treatment. Some people just deserved some form of justice, even if society refused to hand it out.

She eyed him curiously but guarded, nervously she pulled a strand of her dyed black hair behind her ear. "Yes?"

Nny shook his head. "Never mind, meet you in class."

Johnny thought she too was very human and he would've liked to have been her friend. The only thing that set him off about her was her "goth" persona; he thought labeling yourself was stupid. She only faked the whole "goth" thing in large social settings; otherwise he rather liked her as herself. But he still hated goths or any other annoying stereotype.

Lilly was nice and humorous and didn't stare at him funny. But she was very guarded and never let anyone in close enough to be her friend, he was like that too, but at least he was open enough to have two friends. She said she didn't need friends, didn't want them. They ask too many questions, she'd said, she doesn't like questions.

"You know, people are talking about how you dismembered your parents and then mutilated and devoured your sister." Lilly began quietly and nonchalantly, never glancing up from the book she was scanning.

He stared at her. "That's ridiculous." Her green eyes flickered up to meet his. "I don't have a sister." He grinned and a small smile formed on her lips.

"I didn't think you were a malicious murderer." She remarked wistfully and placed the book on the small table they were sitting at in the farthest corner of the library. "But people talk, they're always talking." She glared as she stared at the people in the room.

They had been brought here by their English teacher so that the students could work farther on their end of the year projects which still weren't due for another week. The two introverted students that had been paired up had already completed their assignment a week ago and now had nothing better to do then just pretend they were still working.

"I don't care too much for bodily fluids, why would I want to draw blood...and ingest it. Disgusting." Johnny explained and quirked an eyebrow. "I know you're thinking it, but I don't know what happened to my parents and if I'd had any siblings I don't remember them either. I'm starting to wonder if I'd ever had a family."

"That's stupid." She snorted. "Everyone has a family, good or bad, there or not. You had to come from somewhere." Lilly said scrunching her nose. She glanced at him before looking back out at all of their peers. "You really don't know what happened to them?"

"No." He answered in a low voice. "I guess that can be perceived as a bad thing, but I don't think they were very good parents, which is probably why I don't have any memories of them or any fond feelings toward the idea of parents."

She gazed at him steadily her eyebrows knitted. "It doesn't worry you at all? You know...not knowing where they are or what happened or why they left you behind."

Johnny leaned back and rested his hands behind his head. "It should, shouldn't it?" He stretched and yawned casually then leaned forward in his seat, arms resting in front of him on the table top. "Now, I thought you didn't like questions."

She bit her lip and fumbled at the book in front of her. "Uh...I don't." She blushed lightly. "Sorry."

"It's nothing..."

Nny let his mind wander as Lilly returned to her book, H.P. Lovecraft or something of that sort. His eyes observed the room and just like always strange thoughts came jumping in his head. The layout of the library, it was too easy, all he would need was something of the blunt nature and he could take everyone out, easy.

He shook his head, why had his mind delved so far into violence against other people? It wasn't like him; at least he was sure it wasn't supposed to be like him. He was supposed to be peace loving, like Ada and Mike, they hated wars, they hated killing, hell they wouldn't even eat meat. He wanted to be more like them but he just couldn't shake the images of death and violence from his mind.

_It'd be fun..._

"What the fuck?" He looked around and saw Lilly flashing him a disturbed look. He waved his hand at her gesturing that it was nothing she shrugged and fell into her book again.

Johnny looked about him curiously, that had sounded so much like an external voice, but he could've been imagining things. Yes imagining things. He watched people, that was always fun, observing others as they went about unaware that someone was watching their less prideful actions. He tended to go unnoticed when he wasn't in anyone's direct path.

A rather large muscular boy knocked into a scrawny freshman. "Watch it dickweed, I'm a V.I.P that's a very important person." He stated in a contradicting manner as he was quite obviously very dimwitted.

The little red-headed freshman boy bent down to pick up his dropped books. "I-I'm sorry...I didn't mean..."

"Fuck you didn't you little nerd." The jock spat and kicked a book away from the boy's hand. "Sorry didn't mean it." He mocked.

"Please don't do that." The red-head requested weakly bending over again to retrieve the book.

By this time the meat-head had grown aggressive, a side effect of his own boredom and sadistic nature and steroids, it was likely those were thrown into the mix too. "Shit you think you can tell me what to do, pencil neck?" He pushed the boy over, Johnny stared in disbelief as any adult intervention was avoided as a fat librarian looked at the scene but continued walking by.

The boy rubbed his forehead meekly and pushed his glasses back into his nose. "I'm not looking for any trouble-"

"Well you found trouble motherfucker." He delivered a swift kick to the boy's stomach which caused him to fall backward and his already loose glasses to fly from his face. He rolled over and coughed at the harsh kick but was met with another.

By this point Johnny had seen enough, he leapt up and hurried forward slinking past the gathering crowd of laughing and jeering onlookers, not one made a comment about the inappropriate behavior of the jock. "Get up you little bitch." The kid staggered to his feet and received a punch in the face.

Johnny grabbed the next punch and held the jock's fist tightly and pushed his arm back. "I think you've had your fill of beating on the defenseless." People gasped at the strength of the tall thin boy, people knew he was dangerous, but had no idea of what he was truly capable of.

"You god damn faggot, who do you think you are?!" Kevin snarled his eyes wide, no one ever challenged him.

Johnny took a step back and folded his arms behind his back. "Johnny C. but I think you already knew that huh Kevin?" Johnny looked at the small crowd of kids. "What the hell is wrong with you people, what do you find so enthralling in such a barbaric form of monkey brutality? What do you have to gain from watching someone innocent suffer when they've done nothing? Answer me! Does no one else see a problem here?!"

"Look everyone, the skinny little faggot thinks he's so noble." Kevin laughed. "Listen here Faggy McFaggerson, nobody cares what fag thing you have to say. God damn faggot."

_Make him pay Nny, make him pay._

A small spasm of anger jolted through Nny's body, his eye twitched and twisted smile formed across his face. "You're right Kevin..." He paced away toward an empty table and stopped and turned his head to meet eyes with the opposing force.

He laughed lightly but the tone of it was almost delirious. "What _do_ these people care about what I have to say? But let's get one thing straight..." His shoulders tensed and his hands wrapped around the back of the chair and he lifted it over his head and with full force slammed it down on Kevin's head. "My name's not faggot it's Johnny!"

Splinters of wood went flying off of Kevin's head and he crumpled to the ground the chair in three pieces beside him. "Ow..."

"Oh my God! Noodle Boy just...oh my God!"

"Holy shit! He just killed Kevin!"

"He's insane! He's insane!"

"Damn mofo is crazy."

Johnny turned to the red-headed boy ignoring everyone's terrfied expressions around him. "Now then..." He bent down and grabbed the glasses and handed them to him. "You might as well run along and don't let what these idiots say and do to you ever change who you are. Remember I'm no better than them for regressing to their level."

The boy took the glasses and stumbled off just as the vice-principal erupted behind him. "Johnny C. the office! Now!" The stout little man shouted.

"Do you know what this means Johnny?" Lilly asked she appeared behind him her arms folded across her chest and an indifferent stare on her face.

He nodded his head slowly not even bothering to look at her. "Yeah, I'm a total hypocrite."

--

"Erm..." A nervous looking counselor stared at him from her desk; she had auburn hair pulled into a loose ponytail and a tired face. He smiled at her eerily, knowing well she was unnerved. "Um...hitting other students is... bad."

"Don't you think I know that?" He responded leaning foreword with a glare. "I only did what was necessary, I only applied enough force to knock him out, he'll be fine and will be able to quarterback for your precious football team. That's why you all care so much, because he's a star?"

"Uh...no, we treat all our students as equal-"

"Bullshit." He then began laughing. "You're _paid_ to care, to you I'm just another lost cause they dumped on you to "fix" to which you'll administer the least amount of action to helping me, then send me on my way saying you've done your job. The state will be happy, the school will be happy, and everyone will be peachy keen."

Mrs. McBrian bowed her head and sighed. "You're right, they did just dump you on me because you hit a star quarterback, and no one cares that he was beating up another boy. There was a sense of nobility in your action Johnny, but it doesn't make it right. And upon further examination of your file I've noticed you've made disturbing comments to people...about killing others and... yourself."

Nny let out another laugh. "And who hasn't? Who hasn't told someone they'd kill them, or stated that they just wanted to blow their brains out?"

"It's not healthy-"

"Lady don't lie to me. As a psychologist you can't say you're not deeply disturbed by the lack of human civility in this school, people being faced with ostracism and degradation for nothing else but their looks or their lifestyle choices. Does it not sicken you? Does it?!" He leaped up and slammed his fists on her desks.

She drew back, her eyes wide her body trembling, she'd been warned about him, but she tried to convince herself it wasn't true. "It's h-horrible, I know...but please Johnny this is how society works, the world works. It's just how it goes." She stuttered

"Why?" He seethed backing away from her desk and walking about her office. "I'll tell you why because we let it happen, we let it continue, this sick game of ranks and superiority. The system is corrupt and people are too stupid to do a damn thing about it, more content in their viral lives, too terrified to make a change. Why do people fear change?!"

"I don't...I don't know. I know you get teased a lot but please for your sake, just ignore it or at least try to get some adult's attention. Don't hurt anyone anymore; you're lucky they aren't pressing charges. The school won't suspend you on the grounds they'd have to suspend Kevin too...so you're off the hook."

He snorted his face twisted in disgust. "You're not much of a therapist." Johnny said running a hand through his black hair.

"I used to love my job." She said quietly while hanging her head.

And with that Johnny left her alone in her office. Confused and slightly disappointed, even if she saw the injustice in this school, he expected a bit more fire from her. Or at least for her to address his obvious disconnection with the student body. He stared at his hands, they were bleeding slightly, he hadn't even noticed. "Well fuck..."

"Hey Johnny." A bright voice greeted as he exited the student service's office. He turned and looked to see a large blond girl with her hair pulled into a high bouncy ponytail, her bright blue eyes covered in pink eye shadow and her lips in an annoying shimmer lip gloss.

"Um hello...person."

She giggled. "Silly, my name's Stephanie, Steph." Her voice was high pitched and almost too obnoxious to listen to, but he remembered her from the coffee shop and she had defended his name even at the risk of her reputation. This was not a common occurrence in his life.

"Ah, Stephanie, yes I remember now. Shouldn't you be off with your friends griping about how I killed your friend and gossiping about how crazy I am? 'Cause I hear I dismembered my parents and ate my sister."

She giggled again and this time she placed her hand on his shoulder. "Ha Kevin's been hit in the head lots of times, I don't think like this time it made much of a difference. And I don't like think what you did was crazy, I thought it was kinda sweet." A faint blush reached her cheeks. "I don't think you're nuts at all."

_Aw she likes you, bash her head in!_

"Uh..um thanks, hey you're pretty funny. But listen to me, you shouldn't idolize what I am or what I do...I might just _be_ crazy."

Again she giggled, she seemed to do it a lot, maybe it was a nervous habit. "Now look who's the comedian. You're silly." Twice, she described him as silly, twice, he couldn't help but be irked but it, but instead he chose to ignore it for her sake.

"Well love to stay and chat some more, but I have to get to work, my boss is a real slave driver. Later uh Steph-person." Nny got out of that situation as quick as he can, he hated awkward situations he didn't handle them well. And that was putting it lightly.

--

"What happened to your hands?" Ada exclaimed as she pulled splinters out. "You didn't get into a fight did you?"

Johnny hunched his shoulders and had to resist the urge to stuff his hands into his pockets as Ada held them and was working with tweezers to pull out the small bits of wood lodged in them. "Maybe..."

"With what, a pile of logs!"

"A chair..." He muttered.

Ada stopped and looked at him with a baffled look. "You fought a chair?"

Nny burst out laughing she began laughing to at the absurdity of the image. "No, Ada, that's just craziness." He grew serious. "But I uh...used a chair." He murmured.

She cocked her head as she stared at him. "You're serious?" He nodded as she plucked another splinter from his hand. "Oh Johnny you know how I feel about that sort of thing. There is always a way around violence."

"Not this time and before you lecture me about there being no such thing as necessary violence, trust me, that big jock kid was probably two hundred pounds and the younger kid he was beating on was probably only one hundred. No one stopped him, no one but me and a chair."

"Is he okay?" She asked tightening her grip on his hands.

The last thing she needed to see was Nny being hauled off to jail. He had too much potential to ruin it all now, she believed he'd rise above this town and free himself of the insufficient empty lives they all led here. He may have been forced to live through a lot of shit, but somehow he'd be better than them all.

"He'll be fine, he had enough meat in his head." Nny responded darkly and turned his head away. "If you're finished I'd like to go sweep now, like a good slave boy."

Ada shook her head and released his hand. "Fine, go work. If you find anymore I'll leave the tweezers at the front desk, alright?"

_What does she know? She questions you...so lovely yet so naive. You should show her real violence, real necessary violence. Teach everyone the lesson they need to know, people are so absorbed in their own ideals they refuse to learn anything new unless forced. You have so much potential Johnny...so much unrestrained potential._

"Who are you voice-person? I don't like you very much and I don't like what you have to say. Please leave me to my own thoughts." Nny muttered as he swept one of the empty tattooing rooms.

_Come now Johnny you've been fighting me off for years, I've got to say it's done a number on me. Everything you've decided has been influenced by me, from the good to the evil. You never seem to remember me and always try to push me away. I know what's best for you, they all taunt you call you a psychopath, a killer...even they see your potential, why don't you?_

"I'm not doing anything; I'm only trying to do my work. No one else tells me what to do or decides for me, _I_ decide for me. Not you. I'm not a murderer, killing is such a vulgar thing, and I have no reason to. So why don't you go, I no longer wish to discuss anything with you."

_Everything comes to change...even you._

* * *

I'm not sure if it's just my computer or what but every time I check the Jhonen Vasquez section here on my story isn't present there at all...I can't figure it out. For the few people who found this by some random means I thank you for your reviews and for reading. Still more to come.


	3. Chapter 3

"Nny what happened to you?" Ada exclaimed and rushed over to hold his battered face just as he entered the tattoo parlor early the next saturday.

Ragged he dropped his scrawny form into a chair weakly. "Fuck non-violence..." He murmered hatefully catching his breath desperately. "His god damn croonies got me in an alley."

Mike a tall medium built guy walked over. His bright pink hair fell over his eyes as he approached Johnny. "Someone beat you up in response to that fight you got into?" He put his hand on the boy's shoulder and looked him over his face creased with worry. "Can you follow my finger?"

He waved his hand in front of Johnny's face and made his eyes follow it up and down and all around. Nny followed it as best as he could, but his head hurt he wanted to lie down and not deal with this. He grabbed Mike's hand and halted it after a minute or two of that nonesense.

"Stop, you're making me dizzy." He demanded his voice had lost it's authority due to the pain in his head and face.

Ada bit her lip and looked at her two boys. "Should we take him to a hospital?" She directed the question at Mike who was about to respond but was briskly halted by Johnny.

"No." He stared at her. "I'll be fine, just give me a minute." But that didn't stop Ada from rushing off and coming back with a wet rag to wipe his blood from his face, which she did so diligently but almost in a panic.

As soon as Ada was done Johnny broke away from her as quickly as he could. He felt discomfited by the affectionate touching, the way she took care of him, he didn't like it. In fact he'd been startled by his own growing disgust in himself lately, he wasn't sure where it was coming from. But he had to reason that voice...that eerie terrifying voice he'd been hearing might have been playing a part.

He was very unsteady in his steps for a few minutes but as soon as he fell into the humdrum activity of his daily job routine he started gaining composure. He went to catalouging the backroom's stock, counting boxes and merchandise and making sure all that was on the check list was also on the shelves.

He figured this would be best since bright light was giving him a headache and the backroom was generally dark and quiet. He had to pause for a moment his eyes becoming unfocused in the poor lighting of the storage room. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

_You could've taken them you know. Taken them all down, it would've been so easy and you would've walked away unscathed. Want to know how? Hehe it's simple really..._

"Nny?"

He tensed slightly at the sound of someone else, terrified that it wasn't actually someone else. But it sounded familair, not at all like the unpleasant imaginary voice he'd been dealing with lately.

"You're not supposed to be back here." His words were devoid of any feeling.

"I know, but do you think I care? I want to talk to you. It seems lately I haven't been able to." The voice replied.

Mike came up behind him and put a hand on Nny's back, he cared for the kid like a younger brother and wanted Johnny to know that. "Something's been up with you recently...I mean what you did with that chair, that's some scary shit Nny-cap. What's bothering you man?"

Johnny turned around and balanced the clipboard on a shelf. He stared steadfastly at Mike who stood at eye level with him but somehow was much more authortive, at least in his mind. He shook his head and crumpled to the floor and rested his head in his hand.

"I...I don't know. I think I'm fucking losing it." Mike instinctively kneeled beside him and placed a hand on his shoulder to which Johnny rejected. He didn't want to be touched. He wanted to feel unparted because he felt dangerous and he never wanted to hurt Mike.

_People hurt you Nny. They'll do it intentionally, they'll do it obliviously, they'll do it because they think they're better than you. Hurt them back, show them you're not a force to be fucked with._

"No...no Nny, you're just hitting a rough spot. You're stronger than that." Mike refuted gently his hazel eyes filled with worry and compassion.

"That's the fuck of it, isn't it Mike? I'm not stronger than that and you've always known it." Johnny's piercing empty stare actually made the older boy wince. "Who the fuck am I? I'm serious, I don't even know. Where did I come from, why am I here, and more importantly who are you people really? I'm so fucking confused!"

He sat there crumpled in the corner, his breathing growing erratic, his head splitting. If only he could make it stop, if only he could get a moment's peace. He wanted, he needed to stop time to take a step back and collect himself before everything spiraled into hell. Some silence, some solitude, anything before he lost control.

_Feel that...that rage, that temptation. Wouldn't it be carthatic to draw someone else's blood for a change? Remember the feeling of power, of control when you shattered that chair over that idiot's head? You can have that, whenever you want it, just let go. _

Johnny let out a primal scream and gripped his head. "Shut up! Fuck you! I won't, I won't!" He began ripping at his hair frantically completely lost in a different world, forgetting where he was and who he was with. "No! Fuck! No, no, no! You can't make me, you can't make me!"

_DON'T RESIT ME JOHNNY! YOU CAN'T, YOU WON'T EVER ESCAPE WHO YOU ARE! SCREAM ALL YOU LIKE. IT'S NOT GOING TO END._

"Nny!" Mike cried and grabbed the boy's shoulders and shook him violently, shouting his name. "Johnny, Johnny C. listen to me, Nny snap out of it! Johnny!" Mike demanded desperately, terrified of the sporadic way in which the teenager tore at himself.

He gripped his shoulders tighter attempting to restrain his arms. Ada and Aubrey burst through the door in a panic upon hearing the screams. Mike shouted at them to call an ambulance while Johnny continued shrieking in his own terror and loathing. And in a single second Johnny all at once stopped screaming and ripping at his hair and skin and fell against Mike sobbing and shaking still completely unaware of what was happening.

His nails were coated in his blood and clumps of hair, he bled and sobbed into Mike's shirt. He didn't say a word, couldn't really, and all Mike could do was hold him in perplexment. He'd never seen anyone break down before, he'd seen people cry, but he'd never seen anyone disconnect with reality.

It was horrorfying. This wasn't the Johnny they knew.

--

Johnny awoke in a haze, his head was aching and his hand felt like it was caught in a vice. He opened one eye slowly and soon found the reason for the vice like feeling. He found Ada tightly gripping his hand and as soon as he locked eyes with her she gave him a wary smile.

He groaned at the sight of her, he didn't want to see her and he deffinately didn't want her to see him. He looked about him and realized he wasn't in his bed like he'd hoped he had been. He knew these sheets were too damn stale to be his own. He saw a tell tale IV in his arm and immedietely yanked it out in a hurry despite the pain and yanked his hand free of Ada's death grip before leaping up.

"Johnny what are you doing?" Ada hissed. "Where are you going?"

He grabbed his clothes and disappeared into the bathroom and when he didn't come back out it clicked in her head. She ripped at the door and threw it open only to see an open window and nothing more but the abandoned hospital gown. She rolled her eyes and took off out of the room and out of the hospital.

She knew trailing him would be difficult because he was so fast and even faster she imagined if he was trying to escape something. She'd lost sight of him a while ago but she had a pretty good idea on where he'd be. That was the thing about Johnny, he liked a sense of continuency in his otherwise chaotic life.

And she found him, sitting under a large twisted near dead oak tree overlooking the town on a cliff. He was bunched under the tree his chin resting on his arms that were poised on his knees.

"You're a terrible runner." He stated calmly his eyes not even looking at her.

She breathed deeply trying to catch her breath a smirk nearly crossed her face but the situation reminded her that his humor was not to be appreciated. Not now. "Johnny..." She began approaching him then sitting beside him in the dirt. "I want you to go back to the hospital."

"I'm not going back." He said quickly in response.

"You have to."

He looked at her darkly. "I don't _have_ to do anything."

She sighed in frustrated then covered her face with her hand trying to get a grip. She knew Johnny had a deep set affection for her, but she could never convince him to do anything he didn't want to. "I want you to, I think you need a psychological evaluation."

"Why? Because I'm _crazy_? Is that what you think?" He questioned ruthelessly venom dripping from every word his eyes turned her insides cold.

"No, because you're killing yourself." She responded seriously her eyes were fierce and pain filled. "I don't want to watch you self-destruct...I can't." She dropped beside him.

He smirked. "Come on, I had one freak out, that's not fatal."

"No? You're body was under so much stress that they had to sedate you, or risk you going into shock and dying. Not to mention the self-mutilation, god damn it Nny I watched you _claw_ yourself." She dropped her arms onto her thighs and let her hands dangle out of her lap. "I don't want to see that."

"Then turn away, like everyone else." Nny seethed staring at her coldly. "No one is making you stay, so fucking get out of my life if you don't like it."

She put a hand on his shoulder warily. "You're right no one is making me stay, I want to be your friend 'cause I like you. I like being your friend, I like talking to you, and I only want to see you live a fufilling life. And I hope that your feelings for me haven't exaberated your stress in any way."

"You know?" She nodded. "Doesn't matter those feelings are irrelevant and childish at best. No...I don't know why my head is such a mess lately, just...thoughts...I don't know, they've just being running rampant is all."

He looked away, he still wanted her, the thought of her was ever present in his mind, her radiance lingered in his thoughts. He knew just knew no matter what he did she'd always be someone eles' girl. Just to know her might be all he'll ever have and part of him was willing to take that.

She paused and looked at him inwardly wincing, just remembering the look of blind fear and raw rage on his face. "We all have different ways of dealing with shit in life, Mike and I are fucking stupid we use drugs and I know you hate that. You know getting high, tripping, or being drunk it only works for a while...it's not a path I want you to ever take."

Ada swallowed hard. "Still though it must be a lot to deal with, you're graduating in a few weeks, Rick is kicking you out of the room above the store and you must have no idea where to go. I mean money's tight, you've got no family to speak of, and you're at that age where you actually need to start making a path for your life."

He looked at her skeptically. "You know, you're not helping."

"Nny why don't you just move in with Mike and me?" She asked but he shook his head vigourously.

He pushed her hand off his shoulder. "No, that's not a good idea. Just, no." Johnny stood up slowly still feeling the faded effects of the sedatives used on him, he stumbled a little but used the tree's trunk as a good balance. He leaned against it then stuffed his hands into his pockets and stared out at the city under the gray cloud of the afternoon.

"Can I take you back to the hospital now?" Ada asked as she stood and walked to be by his side.

"No." He replied his voice firm.

She grabbed his arm and clung to it desperately. "Please Nny, I'm really worried, not just about your mental state but your physical state as well. Let me help you."

"Help me? Then leave me, don't mention a hospital or pyschiatric help, don't bring this up. Let's just put this behind us, I'll be fine now. In fact I'm feeling better already." He looked at her and smiled. "Now can I have some alone time?"

She looked at him sadly. "You're a wonderful guy Nny and-"

He turned abruptly and stared at her coldly. "If I'm so wonderful then why am I so misunderstood?" He asked harshly she drew back and was silenced by the question.

For once in her life she had nothing to say. Ada shook her head, sighed, then dejectedly walked away leaving Nny alone on the cliffside completely to himself. Which she would never know was a mistake. But she trusted him and his judgements something he never trusted himself with.

_Put your trust in me...in time you can finally feel that sweet release you so desperately need._

_--_

"Hey um Johnny, it's a been two weeks and I'm not expecting you to go back to work anytime soon...but Ada's been asking."

Johnny was sitting on the floor of the tiny living room in his apartment above the Tattoo Store, even with living above his workplace he still managed to avoid Ada and Mike altogether. The tiny four roomed home was perfect for him but by now was completely littered with artwork, sprawled about everywhere.

Rick was in his late fourties, he had once been very muscular but had slowly lost his mass with age. He had gray brow hair that was pulled back into a ponytail and he was covered in tattoo's, fitting for him really, since he did own a tattoo shop. He looked as though he ran in a motorcycle gang, but was too mellow.

"Tell her to stop asking." He responded never looking up from his latest creation, his paintbrush poised delicately over the canvas, carefully deciding his next move in the sporadic looking painting.

The man took a step forward then immedietely backwards in realizing he had nearly crushed a painting on the floor. He picked it up and studied the fine work, the entire apartment was covered in these things. "You sure as hell throw yourself into these huh?"

"It's carthatic." Johnny replied.

"Ever considered being a tattoo artist? You'd be very good at it." Rick offered but got no response not even a shift in body position. He decided that was his answer, Johnny wasn't interested.

Rick stared at him. "Look kid I'm sorry, I really don't want to kick you out, since you're such a great worker and a loyal tennant, but my daughter doesn't have no one to take care of her and the baby since her dead-beat boyfriend left her all alone. She needs somewhere to live...and I'm sorry kid. I didn't want to stress you out, I mean you lived here for four years."

Johnny finally looked up. "It's alright. I'm old enough to make it out on my own, I've got to learn somehow. Now may I have some quiet, I want to finish this."

"Sure thing kiddo." Rick left, no longer wanting to converse or apologize anymore then Johnny did.

_Naive. They'll believe anything so long as it helps them sleep better._

Nny frowned. "Shh...I'm concentrating."

* * *

I'm tired.


	4. Chapter 4

"Wow, now that we're graduating and I'll never see you again I'd just like to say something to you," Lilly began as Johnny stuffed the remainder of his belongings into his torn up backpack. He gave her a cautious sideways glance in curiosity.

"You're so full of bullshit it kills me, honestly Johnny." She stated her eyes baring into his.

"I'm sorry?" He looked at her awkwardly, they'd never been friends but he knew her better than anyone else in this school and likewise for her with him.

"Oh come off it, you've been preaching non-violence and peacefulness since we started in this shithole of a school. But honestly, that's not what you believe at all, in fact that's not _you_ at all. Face it buddy, you're violent, you hate, and you like to destroy and all this time you've been lying to yourself." She noted. "The incident involving Kevin was proof enough."

He looked at her in shock. "You don't know me enough to say that." He responded narrowing his eyes.

She snickered at him. "Fuck that, you hate people you hate their thoughts, their attitudes, their actions. You loath people and the very fact that you yourself are trapped into a race of such undeserving inefficient selfish morons. Christ, you didn't think I'd know this, I've only been your partner on almost every project. I've seen your writing and philosophy and if you've been trying to hide it, it shows through."

He continued to stare at her dumb-struck she leveled her tone and softened her gaze. "You're smart Johnny, very smart. But you of all people should recognize that if you continue to suppress that monster lurking inside you, it will devour you." She gazed intently at him, steady and serious her mouth parted but no more words seemed to come forward at the moment.

She blinked and smiled. "Oh by the way, congratulations on high honors, good luck."

With that Johnny found himself watching Lilly walk away and out of his life. He felt detacthed because that annoying little goth girl was the only person who actually knew him, not even his friends could see through him like that. She'd never fully understand the knowledge she had held and probably already let it go, but her words bore deep into Johnny.

"Monster..." He whispered in the emptying hallway.

"Johnny?" A timid voice called breaking the silence and his thoughts he turned to see the overweight blonde girl standing a few feet from him, she approached slowly her head bowed. "You weren't going to leave without saying goodbye were you?"

He looked at her strangely. "Uh yeah probably, I hardly know you."

"Oh right...we never really got to know each other. I really wanted to though, I think I like you."

He quirked an eyebrow and frowned. "No you don't."

"But-"

"You can't like me, ever." Nny said firmly. "It's a stupid crush you don't know me, you don't _want_ to know me. Continue on with your life, you're a good person try your damndest to make this god forsaken earth a better place to exist on. For the love of humanity spread your goodness around and never ever fall for terrible people like me." She looked at him.

She blushed awkwardly. "I'm not that wonderful."

"Shut up, you're one of the few people I know of that are actually pretty on the inside. Fuck don't lose that, keep it, spread it. Forget about me and forget about all your stupid friends, you're way better than that. Do you understand?"

She nodded furiously and he turned and left her standing there alone in a sad state of confusion, but they both had a graduation to prepare for that night. There was no time to waste.

Not that he was actually interested in going.

He was ripping himself up during the entire graduation ceremony, still haunted by Lilly's examination. He didn't want it to be true, he wanted to be peace loving, he didn't want to revel in violence and carnage. But it was there and the more he suppressed it the more apparent the hate became.

He concentrated on the people watching them, parents, families all here to watch their children and relatives begin their journey into the world through a ridiculously long ceremony. He wondered where his parents were? If not here, then where, what had become of them? Did they miss him, did they wonder what had become of their son? Would they be proud?

He was someone's son after all, but who's son was he? He had a mother and a father at one point it's the only way he could've come into existence. But when did they fade out of his life, why didn't he have fond memories of his mother's smile or his father's guidance? They were faceless people, he was unsure of how old he was when he last saw them if he ever saw them at all.

He wondered if he'd been in an orphanage at one point, it was possible but he never knew, hell he'd just blown into this town randomly when he was thirteen. His memory shot with no recollection of how and why he ended up where he was. In fact no one knew who he was or where he came from, the school simply accepted that his last name was C. not Cee, Ci, or anything else.

They tried to contact a service that could take legal action for him because he had no parents but when they found no birth certificate in his name and found his unwillingness to cooperate they simply let him slide through the cracks.

It wasn't a legal action on their part, but they were frustrated with his misted past just as much as he was. So they simply gave his birth mother the name Jane Doe and claimed he'd been born in the city he lived in now at midnight on September first. That was all they could do, or at least all they cared to do.

Johnny sighed and leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest. The valedictorian prattled on and on in a lie of a speech on how high school was the greatest time of your life and blah blah blah. He was third in his class and therefore also supposed to make a speech, but was later denied because he wouldn't alter his speech to make it more "appropriate for the occasion."

He refused to lie to these people and to his class, everyone knew the truth and they needed to hear it. High school is shit, people are shit, and more then half the student body stumbles around in self-doubt and self-hatred doing whatever it takes to fit in or escape reality. Every teenager is miserable but most are too proud to admit it.

He sat through the speeches, the handing out of diplomas and all the other boring shit and immediately left afterwards. He was not invited to parties, he didn't have a doting family to take pictures, and he didn't have any one he wanted to talk to. So he pulled off his gown and took his cap and threw it into the gutter, he kept the diploma although saw no use in it. His aspirations had died years ago.

Johnny made his way to the Tattoo Pit, he'd avoided everyone there for two weeks too ashamed to show his face or answer questions. But he figured he owed it to his friends to come back and tell them he was alright and had successfully graduated. He was thinking of asking Mike or Ada if they could help him find a place to live.

He'd have to start his life somehow even though he was terrified from the lack of guidance. He hated admitting he needed help but he was hopelessly lost and wanted someone to at least push him in a clearer direction. Ada mentioned him selling his paintings, he'd consider it.

As he opened the door the little bell rung announcing his presence as usual the gang was all there. Ada at the counter, undoubtedly covering for Aubrey while she took a smoking break, and Mike talking to Ada wistfully. He was always very energetic in his talking he'd move his hands and his voice would get excited depending on what point in the story or speech he was in and then there was his little interpolated laugh that he often did.

At the bell the two turned and smiled. "Hey look who's here." Mike exclaimed and went over to Nny and gave him a slap on the back while leading him over to the counter happily. It was if they'd all been expecting him, they weren't shocked or awkward, just happy. "Is that a diploma I see?"

Johnny nodded and placed it on the counter staring at it indifferently. Ada picked it up and admired it and smiled at him. "We're so proud of you." She said softly in a tone Nny had never heard in his life, it felt good, and he for once in his life felt accepted and loved.

A heartfelt smile slowly melted away his darker facial expression and he stared at the two with starry eyes. "You...you are?"

Mike returned the smile and wrapped his arm around Ada. "Yeah Johnny we are, you've come a long way and you're gonna go far."

"Wow...I've never...just thanks guys you made me feel, I don't know, like a person." He said quietly he looked back up at them and was overcome by emotions he rarely, if ever, felt.

Suddenly all the turmoil, all the confusion seemed to melth away, that stuff didn't matter anymore. People cared about him and it didn't matter that it was only two people, that was all it took and that was all it mattered. He was loved, for once in his life, he was loved.

"Aw Nny it's-" Ada was cut off as the bell rang and a looming man strolled in his hand buried in his heavy jacket he wore a black winter hat and had a gruffy dirty looking face. Everyone was silent because it was painfully obvious that this man was not looking for a piercing or tattoo.

"Can...I help you?" She asked cautiously.

"Yeah sweetheart. Give me all your fucking money." He spat and stared at them through shaded eyes.

Mike side stepped trying to move as far in front of Ada and Nny as he could, Ada trembled and Nny looked on curiously wondering obsessively if this man was as dangerous as he led on. Every happy feeling they'd had before vanished almost completely.

"I said do it bitch!" He shouted in anger and ripped the gun out of his jacket and pointed it at the girl.

"Don't fucking dare!" Mike warned growing defensive, a stupid move on his part, but nonetheless something he felt an obligation to do.

"Shut up hero!" He screamed and before anyone could move he fired the first shot at Mike's head, needless to say the carnage was horrific, most of his head was blown all over Ada and the rest of the blood splattered onto Johnny he lifted his arm up fast enough to deflect the terrible gore as best as he could away from his face.

Ada shrieked and then stood frozen in horror her eyes wide and her mouth agape. She stared straight forward, if there was any sort of emotion is was absolute terror, she'd mentally shut down due to the fact her boyfriend's head was blown all over her face.

"Argh you move too slow! You resist!" The man screamed and clutched his hand in the air dramatically and before Johnny knew it another shot was fired and there was no one to stop it. He would've killed to stop it.

He didn't feel terror, like Ada had, just raw fury, that man had just killed his closest friend and the girl he adored and admired. All for what? It was like a snapping in his mind suddenly transpired, his eye twitched, his face distorted. Dead, they were fucking dead and weren't coming back, ever. He'd had friends just a minute ago; they'd loved him just a minute ago...and now?

_Use it Johnny, use that pain that _hate_ give him what he deserves, that greedy fuck of a man just took your only friends' lives with no reason. Does he deserve to live? DOES HE? Give him what he deserves..._

The man didn't notice that the now blood soaked boy with dark hair had slunk off to a corner as he was too busy filling his sack with money in a greedy fit. Johnny saw the metal pipe lying useless in the corner and he smiled as he picked it up letting the cool feel of it's soft form melt into his hands as though it had become a part of him. His eyes sparkled with murder.

He crept up behind him hardly breathing and then with all the strength and power he had at his disposal he cracked the pipe into the back of the man's head. There was a guttural shout and the crack of skull then the man fell, smashing his head into the counter on the way, and then finally landed on the floor in a big filthy twitching mass.

His skull had been crushed in from the intense force and his forehead had been deeply cut from the impact of hitting the edge of the glass counter, Johnny stood over him, knowing well the man had not yet died. He placed his boot harshly onto the back of his injured head.

"You piece of shit, what right had you? What fucking right?! You think you can just _take_ whatever you want? You fucking think so?!" He screamed his voice reaching a pitch of pure anger and in helpless frustration Nny crushed his boot down into his skull a sickening cracking sound resounded along with high pitched muffled screams.

It was the sudden silence that caught him off gaurd. He hadn't expected the horrified choking screeches to just cease. All that anger he had felt was gone, transforming into horror. What had he done? He hadn't meant to, at least he was sure he hadn't meant to.

Johnny stumbled backwards and slammed into the wall, he slid down it weakly and brought his knees up to his chest and held his head. His eyes darted to the three bodies littering the floor, blood pooled from Mike and Ada's bodies.

Mike had fallen forward the back of his head was revealed with a gapping hole it was better that way, seeing as how his face was probably gone. Ada had fallen backwards a neat little hole planted in her pretty forehead, blood dripped down her face and her once lively brown eyes had been misted in death.

_Death is so beautiful Johnny, reveal in the gore, admire the carnage, and embrace who you really are._

As if the sight of it all weren't bad enough Nny was hit with the sudden shock that they were all really dead. No one there lying on that floor was ever coming back. And he realized that it was because of him that once of them was dead. He had been a direct reason; it was his hands, his strength, his fault.

The smell of death hung in the room like a shroud.

Nny hid his head too afraid to look at his hands which were covered in blood he felt sick in every sense of the word, vomit threatened to come spewing forward, the taste of bile filled his mouth. He closed his eyes not wanting to see. He wanted to shut the world out so badly but he just hung his head and cried.

He heard Aubrey hysterically trying to talk to him, telling him she'd called the police, Rick was on his way, she was happy he was alright, she was going to be sick. It was all one long meaningless string of words to him. He could barely breathe he was forgetting how and was going into a panic.

He hyperventilated and desperately clutched himself. He was confused and scared and wondering if his eyes were closed or if he was slipping into unconsciousness maybe even the room had just gone black. Had he even breathed? When was the last time he inhaled? He couldn't grasp his thoughts, his mind was no longer his own, what little control he'd had was gone now.

Finally he was pulled from his darkness by a cop who gripped his arm and pulled him to his feet. He gasped and suddenly remembered how to breathe.

"It's alright son, everything is going to be okay now. That young lady told us everything, you're a hero."

Johnny glared at him, his tormented dark eyes growing darker. Suddenly his composure returned to him as though it'd never left. "Hero!" He spat ripping his arm from the officer. He barked a laugh bitterly. "You call killing someone a heroic act? F-fuck what's wrong with you people, you'll praise anything!"

The man in blue blinked at him. "Uhh well I can see you've got a little inner turmoil to work through that's natural, we can make sure you get the finest help."

"Help? Help!?" Johnny shouted flailing his arms. "Can't you people recognize I don't want help I don't want anything! I"m leaving, fuck this, fuck it all!"

"Hey wait come back here! Young man!" He attempted to graps at one of the skinny arms but his half-assed attempt was obviously a failure.

Johnny exited the store desperately and ran as fast as he could. He didn't know where he was going he just knew he had to leave town, leave the earth if it was possible. He just had to move and go wherever his feet could take him. He never looked back, refused to do so, because they were dead and he swore that if he looked again he'd see himself lying there with them.

"Did you catch his name?" Another officer asked watching the sillouhette of the sickly skinny boy disappear into the night.

The cop shrugged his glazed over eyes bored and emotionless. "No...guess that's what he wanted. Aw let him go. That poor strange wacky kid."

They never did notice the blood coated diploma. Not that they cared anyhow he was just another cold face on the street, one less thing for them to deal with.

* * *

_One more chapter...yes._


End file.
